i love both you and the german language way too much
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Montag, September 29, 2003
I had this as my away message:
Wow, I'm so happy. I love running. I love my runner's high. I love doing things I never thought I was capable of. I love knowing I'm not going to be asked to be this hardcore for another three days. I love deciding that I'm going to have to let the so so fast girls around me go only to realize that they're already dropping back and letting me go. I love being 9 and 1. I love the feeling of mental strength that comes from hearing all my doubts and excuses and not acting on them. I love PRing by at least 15 seconds per mile. I love cheering for Reggie to hang on with me all race and then being saved by her, passing me on the hill, right as I think I'm going to give up. I love having so many people I love cheering for me. I love cross country.
heh I had more things to love but I ran out of space. As you may have guessed, I had an AMAZING race today. I honestly think it may have been the hardest I've ever run, and running is hard, man-real hard. but I did it. We did it! We beat both new canaan (second year in a row, baby) and greenwich by several points, and Reggie and I really closed the gap-like, by almost a minute-even though layla and annie ran fast for them. The course was short-2.3 miles absolute minimum, and probably longer-and relatively easy with lots of roads and few hills, but STILL...I ran 15:40. Let's pause a moment for some shock and a few exclamation points: 15. 40. 15:40! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. !. yeah. My fastest time ever was previously at FCIACs (also a fast course) last year and was 17:24. now, FCIACs is on a full 4k (2.48 mile) course, but that time is a pace of 7:01, I think, and even if the course was 2.3 miles today my pace was 6:48. I mean...yay! Steph was our fifth varsity and she had a good run, too, I think. We were discussing how this has been, like, the miracle season, and it really has, in some ways. So much has gone wrong for us with injuries and whatnot, but we've somehow always managed to pull some trick or other out of somewhere and DOMINATE. I've already somewhat disected the race aloud to my dad, so I don't feel the need to do it here, but part of what was strange about it is that I'm not really sure how it happened. It's kind of like I usually either listen to my wimpy side and suck or I defeat said wimpy side and am successful. Today, though. I...worked with my inner wimp? ...didn't even listen to her? I guess that's kind of it. I had all the usual drop out/drop back/this hurts thoughts and I didn't like challenge them or yell at them (talk to your fatigue!!) or even really explicitly overcome them, I just...didn't act on them. I thought: "this is so hard, I can't do this any more, I'm just going to have to drop back and let these girls pass me and jog it in, oh but that would be letting everyone down so much, whatever I'll just sit down in the middle of the race, tell everyone I've had a mental breakdown, and quit the team" I did: scramble scramble run run run pass this girl, run run run run run. breath. small steps up the hill. run run run run pass this girl. run. stay with Reggie. run run run runrunrurnrunrunrunruuuuuuun scream, I'm done.
You should really take up running. Try it, you'll like it
9:12 PM
Sonntag, September 28, 2003
warning, in case i end up publishing this instead of copying it to word and saving it for my own records only: this entry is pretty yucky. don't read it unless you either love me unconditionally or dont mind having your impression of me drop a little.
this is so strange. I'm, like, sitting right on the brink of a water binge, trying to decide if I'm going to do it. I've never really...stopped myself at this point before. It's at the point where every sip i take makes me a little more uncomfortable, and I wouldn't want to move around or anything, but I'm not in any pain and I don't have to gulp to force myself to drink, and I kind of feel like I could stop, if I wanted to, which I do, in a sense, because I won't really be able to do my work if i have to lie around recuperating for half an hour, and I really don't feel awful right now, which is also strange. I don't know why I'm having this little compulsion when I'm not feeling angry or sad or guilty or despairing or embarrassed or anything. will it make me feel better to do the water thing, or worse? come to think of it, I don't know what effect it generally has on my moods...I've never really observed myself at it like I am now. hmm. I wonder if I'm actually going to post this. it's a little graphic, though ive been censoring it too some extent. most people have some idea that i do some messed up scheiz with the overdrinking waterness but i dont know who reads this and all. I'm drinking from my f and m cafeteria cup, which kind of makes me feel guilty but kind of makes me feel good. okay, wow. I justleft and went and drank three more glasses, only I guess i overdid it more than i ever have before-like, i pushed about three sips beyond the point at which i'd normally stop, in order to finish off a glass, and then as it, like, hit me, i felt more pain than i ever have from drinking before, went to lie down, had the feeling i might throw up all over my room (a feeling ive had before), went to the bathroom to see if peeing a little would help, and threw up before I got a chance to find out. I've never done that before. even when i used to kind of want to for eating disorder purposes i never would because it felt like that was crossing the line to a more serious problem. and even when I've been crying from the pain of my stretched stomach and wishing I could throw up, i never have; i've always been able to supress it. I feel so...dysfunctional. I also feel kind of...unfulfilled? cuz i never got to finish my ritual...but I'm too scared to, now. Thankfully I haven't eaten anything for, like, three hours, so it wasn't that unpleasant. heheh. just remembered one of the ten fingers questions from the trip...'never have i ever thrown up from drinking too much' somehow i don't think this is what they had in mind
8:36 PM
Freitag, September 26, 2003
I had a little fantasy today, looking through the classifieds in the westport news, about dropping out of school and either working as a nanny or getting a job at stop and shop and renting an apartment in bridgeport. *sigh* I suppose it's not to be, though. ah well.
9:01 PM
Dienstag, September 23, 2003
oh fuck.
10:06 PM
Montag, September 22, 2003
*sigh* now i remember why i stay with cross country (other than the team and the practices (: ). i'd been having that race-dread like i used to freshmean year, but this feeling i have after a really good race is just irreplaceable. nothing else really matters...my homework doesn't feel overwhelming or terribly important, and im just relzxed/focused and HAPPY! I love it. and we were hardcore toaday.. the course was hard but good (would have been better if they'd told us where to go correctly, but hey) and I stayed up with Reggieand we closed the gap with layla and annie, to some degree, and i really ran HARD, which i had been afraid i had lost too much of my mental stength to do. *sigh* again. I really do love this sport ridiculously much. I feel so strong in myself after a good race or run, and i love everyone from the team so much. *sigh* yet again. this is what xc season is supposed to feel like. everything up til this point has been good, but really just an anticipation of my running-contentment of right now. I love running, I really do. some of my new favorite running quotes: "don't worry, you pass out before you die" "the only way out is through (one of the best ones when you get really tired and just want it to be over)" and "the truth is, you can always run faster. sometimes, the truth hurts" those may all be ripped from other people's shirts...I'm not sure.
10:06 PM
Donnerstag, September 18, 2003
Huh. I expected to ahve a lot to say here, but I find myself with no fully formed or even properly half-formed ideas to share/record. I've been doing a lot of thinking about myslef over the last few days (what else is new...), specifically about my social self and how I interact with and befriend people, but I guess I haven't discovered as much as I thought I had because I have nichts to say. ah well. I seem always to have first period with people on their birthdays, and therefore to forget to say anything. sorry Christina! (and erin, but hopefully you've healed by now...) I can't be held accountable for my 7:30 - 8:30 self, I don't think. I consider my more rational and human self to be something of a hero for keeping the primal morning-maggie from breaking down in tears or attacking anyone who assigns her homework. well, most of the time she stays in control. I think I should bring back Multiple Breakdown Thursdays...
10:18 PM
Dienstag, September 16, 2003
I really hope I have a good race tomorrow, both for the obvious reasons and because doing so would mean I could change my assumptions about necessary meet-day preparations. Or i could just cry. goodnight.
12:09 AM
Montag, September 15, 2003
I really should learn to do the hw i dont want to do in the sanity of day, when the fact that something kind of needs to be done has some bearing on my ability to make myself do it. If im slaving over something interesting into the wee hours, i'll occasionally break down over either how hard it is, how poor a job im doing because of exhastion, or just how tired I know im going to be and how my racing will suffer, but I'll get it done. If I sit down at ten pm to write 12 easy net ionic equations and a meaningless conclusion about some dumb chem lab, a task which would take about 20 to 30 minutes during a free, however, the sheer not-wanting-to-do-it-ness factor makes it drag out until after *checks watch* 11:20, at which point I go and write about the fact that I'm procrastinating the stupid thing in my blog, because I love myself like that. I really feel like crying, but theres absolutely nothing to be done about this. I have to go to school, and I've cut back my commitments to what I consider the bare minimum...I cant think of anything I'm doing that it wouldn't break my heart to give up (except chem, but I think I'd kind of have to fill in with physics 1, which i'd find equally hateful and boring, so there's no getting out of it (is there?? tell me there is...) and so I don't know what to do. I hate stress and being busy, I really do. I feel so weak whenver I get like this, because I see so many people around me putting up with as much as I do and more and not cracking and going on horrible self-destructive procrastination binges and acting like they have some terrible life or serious problem when it's just high school and that's the way life is, but I can't help it. i \m really not built for the high stress lifestyle. I want to sleep, and focus on a few things at a time, and not have so many bloody commitments , interests, and debehaceres. mabye it'll get better once im odne with driving school. maybe i just freak out like this at the beginning of every year, regardless of my schedule, and I'll get used to it and feel better in a few weeks. cross your fingers for me, okay? that'd be helpful.
11:27 PM
so at aurelia's camp they say die die die die live live live live sex sex sex sex more more more more. is this actually like a common thing in the world out there and i've just missed it? or am i right to feel severely creeped out?
12:26 AM
Sonntag, September 14, 2003
*contented-tired-sick sigh* I'm not in good shape and I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I did enjoy the trip. talking to Brooke about summer experiences was good, and just getting time to really BE with everyone was great. the tensions between linleigh and sara, andrea and alicia/everyone, linleigh and everyone, the sleepers and the nonsleepers, and all the other groups among whom there be tensions were somewhat wearing...I really hate unpeacefulness, but mostly I felt we were very close as a team and as individual bunches of friends, and swinging was great. I don't know what I've been thinking not getting in regular swinging time my whole adolescence, but the lack of swinging must end now. how have I been living without it? (how do you like to go up in a swing/ up in the air so blue/ oh I do think it the pleasantest thing/ ever a child can do...yayfor fifth grade summer calligraphy with ms sanderson).
you know what I really love? hugs. hugs are my world. I'm afraid I may suffer a nervous breakdown from lack of hugging when I first go to college, before I can build up enough seriously strong hugging friendships to keep me from depression. I think I get more hugs in the average day than most people, which is of course wonderful, but I grow dependent on it. even at cty, which is a pretty hug-intensive environment, I felt some hug-deprival for the first two weeks. I really don't know how I'm ever going to leave home. maybe I like my parents too much...
I also like you too much. and german. Ich liebe euch.
8:57 PM
Donnerstag, September 11, 2003
this was certainly a strange and somewhat queasy-making day.
8:47 PM
Mittwoch, September 10, 2003
*sigh* nine hours sleep = maggie happiness
7:27 AM
Dienstag, September 09, 2003
argh just had a fightlet with my mom...it's strange when we fight cuz we don't actually fight about anything, we just accuse each other of being unreasonably mad at each other, deny being angry in a tone of voice that gives away we truly are angry, and then get really fed up and say 'well, i'm mad NOW' or some such...it's not always that simple, but thats essentially where our strife comes from. I hate it, cuz I can't stand being mad at my mom (i feel really mean) or having her mad at me (i feel really wronged/uncomfortable/angry(which of course leads to the first set of problems)) and it's like impossible to get out of the situation without both of us feeling really awful, because mom's such a let it go, stop talking it to death kind of person, and [by the by she just came and apologized for something, though I really wan't mad at her for it (well, i was initially, and that's kind of what sparked the whole non-fight, but I'd already half said i was sorry for getting so mad about that), i just hate when she does what i'm about to be talking about, and it makes me get more and more upset, but I also now (like, just in this second) realize that i should have and feel bad that i didn't say i was sorry too...i didn't like her apologizing to me cuz i really didn't feel wronged, and i didnt accept it very gracefully at all...*sigh*/*silent sob* i feel bad (sorry, mommy! (ps i really hope she doesnt read this/know how to check profiles....))] and I can't feel better until I've discussed everything and feel like I've worked out the issues behind the problem and everybody understands everyone else. This process also usually involves a lot of physically exhausting crying, which helps to eliminate frustration and leave me feeling tired but happy, and only love for the person I've been fighting with. When allowed to do this though, I put my mother through hell, because the apparent pointlessness of it all gets her more and more annoyed, and I always end up with extreme guilt at having forced her to suffer to make me feel better. ah well. i went outside and screamed at the top of my lungs a couple of times and i feel much better. cold, too. what am i going to do when i have to go live somewhere where there are always people around to hear me scream? supposed to be scary if no one can, like a horror movie trailer line, but I find it immensely comforting. maybe normal people don't yell as much as I do...
6:07 PM
Montag, September 08, 2003
I kept feeling like i was going to break out in tears on my run today, and I'm not sure why. I felt vaguely homesick during parts of school, too. Nothing's so terrible, though, and I have the feeling I'd be happy/fine if i were just a little less tired. Why am I taking chem?? i feel exactly like I did about it last year...the lab is REAL easy, but I just don't have any desire to do it, and I don't know how to make myself. I wonder if it's too late to get into regular physics. did I think i had to be special and have two ap sciences to get into college? where am i even trying to get in?? if i could just settle on macalaster could i give up this whole pretending to like laboratory sciences bit? Also...should I seriously pursue this whole early admission thing? what would I be losing and what would I be gaining? could I even make myself do it, in terms of leaving the team and my beloved little sorority here? either way it's only one year of my life, isn't it? Am I being like the girls on the trip who were practically in tears over not having one more night to spend with these boys theyd met the day before and had talked to for about five minutes and would never see again? Am I that silly? does the shortness of its impact in the context of a whole life mean that I shouldn't worry about 1 more year before my friendships are tested, or missing out on seniors shirts and state championships, or that I shouldn't worry about one more year of partial suffering before ultimately getting to somewhere that should make me happier (although I'm seriously doubting how much anything ever changes, after patrick's patrickness and some late-night disturbing discussions with bono).
9:32 PM
Sonntag, September 07, 2003
AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH i have this distinct feeling that i am the most annoying person alive and that i am internetally socially inept and that everyon hates me...im also in the writhing mental achness that i always get when weird things that i cant figure out or that i do wrong happen and i feel like throwing an enourmous sobbing screaming floor-beating temper tantrum to tire me out enough to forget about this and i wouldnt wake up to it and start feeling wretched again until several hours after arising from my tantrum-induced sleep and i hate whatever facet of my personality is responsible for this. i seriously dont know if im going to be able to go to sleep, i feel that bad about whatever just happened and i dont even know why sigh im sick of this AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
1:02 AM
*sigh* amandas party was muy fun, but it made me slightly homesick, and talking with christie reintroduced the issue of counties and how im never ever going to find a date ever. will you come to counties with me??? anyone??? pleeeeaaaaaaase???
12:06 AM
Freitag, September 05, 2003
*sigh* I miss priya. and cty. and summer. i hate school. i have the best schedule of my life this year, but it still sucks what with the gym and the comp prob solving and the chem and the too much homework and the always being late cuz i move so slowly. the worst part is having so many people that i love so much and the running teams tying me down here where i wouldnt want to be if it werent for everyone being wonderful and i know thats a contradiction, sort of, but its true and i hate that i hate it but i also love it an i think im just rambling cuz im SEHR tired (also starting to have a weird german crushing problem...not at all good) and i miss all the people who should really come with me soemwhere and we can buy a really big house and live there and everyone i love will be together in one place and magically we will also have no external worries and sigh. ich liebe euch.
11:01 PM
Donnerstag, September 04, 2003
oh, my, 'sbeen a while, hasn't it? I had a good languages day today, German was fun with the conversational weekend-sharing (except I sucked because everyone else had prepared info about its weekend, and I somehow thought we were writing about the summer so I both had no idea what I had done friday, saturday, or sunday, and didn't know all the words for what I was trying to say. Spanish was great, though, describing the ap-style picture stories for jenny to draw, and drawing them myself...'twas the first time I'd spoken any actual spanish beyond prepared sentences since...probably since...well, desde hace mucho tiempo, I'll say that much. There's a lot I don't know, but it was ridiculously fun to be stretching my vocabulary and stuff, pushing out to the limits of my spanish knowledge to find what I really can call to memory under pressure. 'twas a very good feeling. I definitely have to go to mexico, but perhaps I won't pursue going with people any further, because al and erin, really seem to prefer the thought of a spain trip, jenny wants to do the whole people to people thing, and having a bunch of friends around to bail me out and to speak english with me wouldn't really help me learn spanish, or even experience the mexico much at all.
Sie sagt sie liebt dich
und das kann nur ganz gut sein...
8:01 PM
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